FBI-iLIVESCAN(199;31)

FBI-Exhibit A(KC)

FBI CYBERCRIMES DIV-WWW v30.2.4510.12

CYBERNEWS-FILE$009

If you can’t tell, we are doing a very good job at outreach and welcoming all of you to the wider cybercrimes community. We hope to bring in more content today, when we arrest a 15 yr old identity thief. We are touching up his makeup right now.

This individual heisted the name and likeness of virtual influencer Lil Miquela. He was able to pose as her at various virtual hotels in Sablon and Marqua, beta cities in VR Instagram. He has left her with a child, trapped in a ZIP file. It is a very large file and growing.

04.09.2020T17:27 UTC


We are now offering Mannie’s Mazes on the FBI desktop. These themed PRINTABLE mazes offer a tour through the evolution of the ongoing cyberwarfare to control kickscondor.com FOR THE PEOPLE. You will need to submit your mazes to printablemazes@kickscondor.com by 3 PM CST.

03.09.2020T19:47 UTC


Lol Jolly found him in the AppData folder that’s been quietly filling up with tamagotchi dung. 😂 He’s so cute! Compressed. He’s got a little swimsuit.

03.09.2020T18:53 UTC


He’s just melded himself into the first 4096 bits of that portable thermometer firmware! Get him!

03.09.2020T17:56 UTC


In hot pursuit of CHUCKWOOLERY.EXE. He has compressed five hostages into a ZIP file and placed it in a recursive recycle bin. We are five layers down and the symlinks are starting to give. We see the dawn.

03.09.2020T16:47 UTC


CHUCKWOOLERY.EXE is at large. He is WANTED in connection with a cybercrime involving the theft of a compressed file containing the mental and emotional state of an interdimensional being. We have found crumbs. Be vigiliant.

02.09.2020T23:43 UTC


The kickscondor.com website is now under the control of the United States government. This concludes today’s operation. Thank you.

02.09.2020T21:20 UTC

fbi-bulletin.file

the barrage against kickscondor.com continues into its 96th day. the cyberwarfare taking place under the hood is unlike anything we’ve seen in human history, rivaled only by the besieging of beyonce.horse in 2016. thread incoming!

while there are certainly hot web properties that face a daily barrage of persistent low-grade assaults, such as fbikids.gov and fark.com, few websites become an utterly wasted battleground like this.

it is hollowed out from the center - there are ones and zeroes. and then there are burned ones and zeroes. and then there is vacant, unlit negation.

we have had text editors melt off the screen while handling these files - pummeled with malicious requests, bright orange magma circling up the curly cords of our agents’ mechanical keyboards. they propel themselves backward in their roll chairs. the cherry switches redden!

and no one wants this. no one wants to see this. no one wants the annoyance. a blog should be there with biweekly entries. there should be indieweb articles. instead, there is a lacerated body thrashing about on the ground in pink pants. everything about this is needless.

and yet, all of the world’s agencies have convened to obtain kickscondor.com! racing hi-beam bots from china! the leaping, cavorting bots of russia! speed-skating monopoly man bots of milton bradley! the thimble is there too!

gleaming j.k. simmons bots soar across the sky with frozen highkicks slashing down! hip-hop nasbots spark away, flashing jet-black amex cards and c-notes! dogbots bark! mannequins explode! the war is foreeeeeever!

but the fbi holds. now is our time to shine. to hold down and fortify. we paper their coffins with printable mazes as they fly lifelessly off our bulging necks.

our taut neck muscles become the new defacto standard for the angles that will define future protractors and tomorrow’s most accommodating cement ramps.

but we believe in blood. the thimble bleeds.

we gather up our agents and maze warriors, now deflated, limp rat bodies. we collect them obsessively.

and still the thimble bleeds.